


Borderline.

by lovelaika



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:43:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8314333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelaika/pseuds/lovelaika
Summary: "Borderline"That’s what the doctor called it, specifically “Borderline Personality Disorder”. She thought she had heard about it before, but psychology wasn’t really her area of expertise, she preferred chemistry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Now with a soundtrack [playmoss.com/en/lovelaika/playlist/unfinished](https://playmoss.com/en/lovelaika/playlist/unfinished)

⏹

That’s what the doctor called it, specifically “Borderline Personality Disorder”. She thought she had heard about it before, but psychology wasn’t really her area of expertise. Well, maybe it had something to do with brain chemistr-

“Shiki, how are you feeling? I know hearing something like that can be a bit scary, but now we know how we can help you. Are you glad? Nervous?”

She didn’t know how to feel. It wasn't even really her decision to come here.

* * *

⏮

She was standing on the bridge, watching the people go by. She wondered if they even noticed her. A messy long-haired girl wearing a lab coat at two in the morning. Maybe they thought she was going to a university.

She had been standing there for about an hour, hoping all the drunken office workers would get home so she would be alone. She didn’t want anything stopping her this time. She had left a message on the office phone for her colleagues at 346 and another one for Fre specifically. That is of course if Fre wanted to see her at all. Shiki had been awful to her. She deserved better.

She stared down at the water and examined how it flowed, not roaring, but more than bubbling. She probably would have been fascinated by it were she not already occupied now that there was no one around. She hoisted herself onto the railing and sat with her legs dangling over the edge. She thought she’d be more afraid of the height, but she almost felt relieved now. Though she felt a little bit bad for whoever would find her, she probably wouldn’t be the first that washed up.

She stared straight ahead, no backing out now. No half-assing it like last time. She leaned forward and fell.

And then she woke up.

The smell was familiar, but she couldn’t remember exactly why. She wondered if she was dead, though she doubted it. Her eyes opened up slowly and it was too bright. She didn’t recognize the ceiling either. She tried turning her head a little and saw her producer talking with a doctor. Oh. She’s in a hospital. So much for that plan.

She turned her head to the other side. Frederica was looking around. Her eyes were puffy and red and her beautiful blonde hair was all over the place. She looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks.

“Nyaha...” She didn’t know what else to say, and her throat was parched.

Frederica snapped to attention and her mouth hung open and she just stared at Shiki. She must’ve looked like a disaster, she could feel something on her head and she felt like her arms and legs were all constricted. She saw the tears well up in Fre's eyes and then she was bawling. She was trying to say something, but it all came out as blubbering between the tears and sniffles. She finally gave up on speaking, and just laid her head on Shiki’s side and cried into the hospital gown.

“I love you.” 

* * *

⏮

She hated the smell of vomit. The downside of having a sensitive nose is that bad things taste and smell so much worse. She’d probably never get use it to it. She’d started throwing up after meals a few months ago. She hated it and she knew it wasn’t good for her, but she was in control when she was bent over the toilet with her fingers down her throat.

Her mother stopped commenting on her weight. 

* * *

⏭

Frederica stepped through the door and onto the floor of the apartment, well on one part that was visible through the trash. Inside, the curtains were drawn so that it almost looked like night except for the few cracks of light leaking through the edges of the windows. Shiki hadn’t shown up for work for the past few days and no one had heard anything from her. Last night, Frederica called to let her know that she would be coming to get her in the morning, but the call went straight to voicemail.

The apartment was a disaster. She carefully walked further in and saw the kitchen. It had been mostly converted into a rudimentary chemistry station, with glasses and vials of all sorts chemicals strewn about for Shiki’s perfumes. She looked around the makeshift lab and the rest of the apartment, speechless. Frederica knew Shiki was kind of a slob, but this was something else. Bags of garbage sat by the fridge, tissues and rags were strewn about the floor, cardboard boxes and already eaten meals were shoved out-of-the-way and into a pile by the front door. The one exception was a circle in the center of the room, about a meter in diameter, that had been cleared.

She peeked over the counter and found Shiki asleep on the floor. As she walked over, she observed that she was still wearing her usual lab coat, and good god did it smell. Frederica wondered if Shiki’s shower ever gets used. She gently nudged her to try and wake her up.

“Shiki, you need to wake up and go to work. You’re already a little late and Producer is worried.” Shiki groaned but didn’t move.

“Come on Shiki, you’ve already missed the last 2 days and the company’s going to get in trouble if you have to cancel again…” She started stroking Shiki’s hair. She would’ve preferred to run her fingers through it but it was all tangled and knotted like it had not been washed in a while.

“.......mmnnmmnu…………….”

“What was that Shiki?”

“I tried to clean up for you…” she was gesturing towards the circle that didn’t have any trash. Frederica saw there was still an enormous stain on the carpet.

She giggled, “Shiki if you don’t get up I’m gonna make you.” She started humming the little earworm she was so fond of. She didn’t remember exactly where she heard it, but she’d never been able to forget those 8 notes.

“Ugh, alright fine. Gimme a minute to get dressed. Do you wanna help me~?”

“Nope! Shower first.”

“You wanna help me with that~?” Shiki winked.

“Nope!” Fre winked back.

“Boo, you’re no fun.”

* * *

⏮

Shiki was lying in a pool of her own vomit. Something had gone horribly wrong. She was already supposed to be dead, but instead that awful stench filled her nostrils.

She didn't want to get up, though. Well, it was more like she couldn't get up, but if she could she wouldn't want to anyways. She made a stupid error and this was the price she would pay. Mostly paralyzed and vomiting on the bathroom floor. She had tried to kill herself by overdosing on medication, supposedly a relatively painless and simple death. But she fucked it up. She ended up taking too much and her body rejected it. She figured that qualified as mutiny.

She'd probably die if she could lay here long enough, but her roommate would be back soon. Shiki hated her. She was a stupid loud American and she kept trying to get Shiki to go out with people, especially loud dumb boys looking for “a cute Asian girlfriend.” She hated it. Everything here. Nothing at school challenged her and none of the girls were interesting. It was so much harder to get away and just disappear here.

She heard the door open.

“Hey Sheek? where are y- oh god! Oh my god call 911!” 

* * *

⏭

Frederica was beautiful. She was everything Shiki wasn’t. She made her feel whole, except when the emptiness grew so large she felt like she was going to collapse. But even then, Fre was there for her. Telling her that everyone loved her.

That she loved her.

* * *

⏭

Shiki didn’t know why she would disappear. It wasn’t something she thought about consciously. She decided to run away in the same way she decided she wanted to eat a hamburger. She always did what felt right in the moment. When it felt right to come back, she would.

It had been almost four days since she had quietly disappeared from her apartment, she figured it was probably the longest uninterrupted time she had been gone. Tokyo was easy to wander around in, you could walk in a straight line for hours and never leave the city. It was so easy to get lost in.

Shiki hadn’t slept after the first day. That first night, she had rented out a booth in a net cafe for a few hours, but the next night, sleeping just didn’t feel right. She didn’t remember if she had eaten anything since that either. It was her punishment for what she had done to Fre. What had happened wasn’t unexpected, but she had hoped Frederica might be different. Fre could let Shiki do whatever she wanted and that she would still love her, no matter what.

Obviously, that idea was stupid. Shiki knew she hurt her by doing exactly what she was doing now. Disappearing, avoiding her responsibilities, hurting herself, not eating, among all the other things. Fre wanted her to get help and said that it would be better for her. But she could tell in her voice that Fre was telling Shiki that something was wrong with her, something that made her unlovable and had to be stamped out.

But what did she know? Fre was so happy-go-lucky, why would she want to be with someone who was so broken in a million different ways. Frederica was beautiful and perfect and kind and Shiki loved her with everything she could. Shiki couldn’t be any of those things. Shiki’s hair was long and knotted and an unnatural pinkish hue. Shiki couldn’t be there like Fre could. She always said the wrong thing. Frederica was perfect. Shiki wasn’t. Shiki wasn’t. Shiki wasn’t. Shiki could be replaced. 346 didn’t need her, Fre didn’t need her, her parents didn’t want her. Why did they care only when she disappeared?

If she lost Fre, there would be no one else that needed her. She would never need to come back.

She was on a bridge. She stared down at the water and examined how it flowed. She stood there and watched the water, the people, the stars in the sky. She briefly wondered how Asuka was doing. Shiki did what felt right in the moment. Jumping felt right. A quicker cleaner end than pills, but she was hesitant to do it in front of so many people. It would just be her hurting others again for her own selfish desires.

She stood by the edge and waited, staring intently at the water. 

* * *

⏭

“I love you too.”

The doctors told her that an office lady was working late when she saw Shiki jump off the bridge. She rushed down to save her from drowning and called the paramedics. The water Shiki had chosen was more shallow than it appeared and she had broken a leg and some ribs, totally shattered her wrist, and cracked part of her skull open. The surgeons had to shave part of her head to close the wound and she would be in a wheelchair for a while. She also had scrapes, cuts, and bruises all over. But she was alive.

Producer had canceled her upcoming events for the next few months. he said it was alright, she had already recorded her next song and that was enough for now.

She liked that song.

* * *

⏯

As she wheeled herself out of the doctor's office, Fre was waiting for her. She smiled, but the smile was different. It wasn’t the carefree smile she had when she was chattering away about fashion or telling stories about France from her mother. It was concerned.

After the hospital, Fre demanded that she be Shiki’s caretaker. She moved into the filthy apartment and cleaned it before Shiki came back. She even gave Shiki a makeover to make the whole partly shaved head and large bruises thing easier. Natsuki was a big fan of her new look, she said it was very "punk rock". Shiki knew Fre wanted to make sure she didn't try to kill herself again. But it’s not like Shiki could get very far in her state, her leg was still busted and she couldn’t even get around with crutches. Fre pushed her in the wheelchair instead. She turned beat red when Shiki teased her about having a nurse kink.

Shiki noticed when Fre glanced at the slip of paper she was holding.

“Nyahaha! You don’t get any, these are for me!” Shiki pointed at her temple and poked her tongue out coyly.

That smile disappeared, “...Are they going to make you feel better?”

Shiki nodded.

Finally, Fre laughed and her bright demeanor returned. The radiance that Shiki had missed so much came back.

“Well we have so much to do we have to go home and finish setting up your place oh and then P said he definitely wants us to stop by the office, if you’re okay with that of course, and then and then Mika and Kanade and Syuko all want to get together and have a party Shiki you have no idea how much they want to see you also there’s Yuka and Kyoko and little Momok- Shiki are you alright? You’re crying…”

Shiki hadn’t even noticed, “What? Yeah, uh, I’m alright." She ran her sleeve across her face. "I just… I’m sorry, and I missed you and I’m not sure what to even do next.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll be there. Even when it gets hard okay? I'll never hate you. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I missed you a lot.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is actually my first time really writing anything, so uh here ya go. I had this whole yarn spinning around in my head for a while and I just kind of ending doing a whole thing. I'm a little worried the jumping around in time could be confusing and that shiki and fre might be a little ooc but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome (emphasis on constructive please)


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